The inner life of a struggling introvert
I am a contradiction. I realised this in 2013, while in school in Ibadan.
One day some friends had gone out to a networking event full of strangers they were eager to meet. When they got back home, they were visibly excited and wanted to know why I wasn't there. My response was open and honest, “Too many strangers, bro…I have to think deeply before signing up for things like that.”
“You mean you’re shy!? You just spoke to an audience of a thousand people [exaggeration] last Sunday!”
That’s the contradiction right there. I was quite comfortable speaking to a large audience. In fact, I loved public speaking, but avoided the 1-on-1 people talk.
A few years ago, while reading Susan Cain’s book, Quiet, she discussed the research of the late emeritus professor of psychology, Jerome Kagan, who tied our temperament to our biology. With decades of longitudinal studies he found that babies who had a high reaction to new objects, like a red balloon or even a Q-tip, were more likely to become introverts. While babies who had very little reactions to these novelties would become extroverts.
Isn’t that odd?
We often consider introverts as individuals with little or no reaction to people, things or events, in other words, not-socially-oriented. However the data is clear, introverts have more sensitivity and reaction at the biological level. They are more alert, reactive, and feel things more.
This explains why so many introverts out there in the world, would think hard and deeply about leaving their bubbles. They want to avoid the overstimulation. It’s a drain on their energy.
On the occasions when we do leave, like when I accept a public speaking opportunity, there’s a long series of anxieties that pepper the long hours before we take the mic.
I am always on high alert. I feel things 10x more. My heart races. I’m usually drenched in sweat. I’m often unable to eat anything before the engagement. And I need perfect quiet to stay calm and collected–so you’ll often find me in the bathroom before a big speech.
As introverts, we have a high reaction to newness wired into our amygdala, one of the oldest parts of our brain.
Our temperament is biological, a gift to us by nature. So, I’ll probably always be terrified of public speaking.
But, does my temperament determine my destiny? Not really!
While our temperament is biological; our personality is built by us, our environment and those around us–a gift from those who nurtured us and the choices we make through life. Personality is different from temperament.
So, regardless of the anxiety, I will still go on stage and give the best speech of my life. Because I have throughout my life cultivated the “uncomfortable” skill of showing up publicly and sharing my thoughts–starting from the small spaces, small crowds, to the spacious auditoriums.
Every time we push beyond our comfort zones, we build evidence for our more modern prefrontal cortex to regulate our thoughts, actions and emotions. This allows it to stand up against the ancient amygdala urging us to run and hide. In other words, even though my heart is racing, I have enough evidence for the rational voice in my head to confidently say: "We've done this before. We've got this."
The voice belongs to the prefrontal cortex, and with each challenge, it grows stronger, and learns to moderate the ancient amygdala. This is a testament to the power of experience and practice!
So, why am I writing this?
Traits that are traditionally associated with extroversion, like public speaking, are important skills needed for leadership positions or for general functions in society. As introverts, we must know that it is possible to stretch ourselves to the outer limits of our temperaments and construct a personality that allows for these skills.
I’m writing to the young, quiet and introverted.
Being you, and being a pretty good public speaker is not a contradiction.
We need you, your voice, your quiet leadership!
Above all, remember this: love your desire for quiet, for solitude, for reflection. Be confident in who you are. That’s the well from which you will contribute to this world we all call ours.
Yours Truly,
A fellow introvert
PS: go read Susan Cain's Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
